healing. balance. love. protection.
After twelve years of silence, and in the last year of consciously healing, I am ready to share in my experience. Not because I am seeking attention, but because I would like for everyone to understand that we all have a story, and this is one that so many can relate to no matter gender, age, or beliefs – sexual trauma. My experience, my words, my actions, my thoughts, have been suppressed for far too long. This story line has run its course throughout history, in my lineage, and in the collective for far too long. I am sharing this with you today in hope that this may inspire change, or at least others in some way on their journey of healing. If I am able to see the light, so are you. I believe in that. I believe in you. It is now time to believe in each other.
I don’t know where to begin because there has been so much that has stemmed from this one experience that essentially changed my entire world, in one night. So, I will start from the beginning. Twelve years ago, this month, I was drugged and sexually assaulted. When something like that happens, you can’t really see anything outside of the experience. I felt so alone in this. I felt that no one would have believed me because, well, they were well known in the community, and to everyone on the outside they were, you know, “not that type.” There is much more to be said, but I feel that may be for another time. So, for now I would like to stay focused on the present. How I made it through this experience. How I am standing here today with every single person, living or in spirit, that has been violated in this way. Using my voice to finally speak for those without one. I too know what that is like for it is only until recently that I have rediscovered my own.
After this experience, I became like a hermit, and spent most of my time at the river meditating and practicing yoga with my dog, Ember. She was the only one I trusted, and it was because of her love, and nature that helped me through. I began to write, and even shared my writings through spoken word, but I found it was not quite the right place to do so. I retreated back into my own space, and continued on, never truly healing. I had pushed this deep down inside of me, and tried to move on, but the truth is, you never really do. So for many years, the truth remained hidden, this part of my self, this darkness that no one knows unless you have lived through it; and it remains a part of you until you are ready to heal, release, and move forward. Eleven years later, I began consciously working on this aspect of healing through the wisdom and guidance of those that have come into my life as healers, and have become my teachers. This includes the plant folk too. I am very grateful to have been gifted this support system of dear friends, teachers, traditional healers, Ember & Mother Earth. Collectively, they have helped me to recover what was taken from me all those years ago. They have helped me to get my power back. My voice back. My self back. They have helped me to heal and become who I am, who I always was. I just needed to re-remember. Just after this deep dive into my deepest wound – healing, and releasing it, I felt marching with others at the state capitol was a final piece in this healing process, but in fact, actually maybe writing this is.
This is one of the deepest wounds of humanity, and it is time to heal, protect and prevent this from continuing. The cycle needs to be broken. Help to rewrite the script that has been running for so long, help to give freedom a chance before these chains that bind us for the rest of our days here on Earth are allowed to be put on. It gives me hope, it gives me courage, and it gives me strength that others are on similar path in doing the same. We are coming forward, and saying enough is enough. It ends with us. This can only be truly healed by Love. Self Love. This is the message I came here to share with you all.
we have come to heal the hearts of many. heal our own hearts + wounds. reconnect to our divine birthright + Mother Earth. this is the beginning of the blossoming of our hearts and reconnection to la Rosa. the divine feminine has returned.
its been a long while since i’ve been on my own. fifteen years to be exact. i didn’t realize that until her departure. what i have learned is that sometimes blessings come into our lives in forms unexpected. Ember showed and taught me pure Love. she was the embodiment of the divine feminine. a sister of the rose, part of my soul, and in this life a pug. she chose me as her guide, yet in truth she was mine. though the journey here on Earth together may have ended, another aspect seems to be revealing itself.
along the rivers edge, where our spiritual journey began, is where i am learning to find my self once again. although she is not here physically, i feel her in every moment. she is with me, and will always be. this i know and understand yet it is still a rather difficult adjustment. i have gone deep within and i am learning how to live without her here with me. it is not easy, for it is like living without the sun. truly.
she taught me many things. she taught me how to care for another; how to be a mother, a wife, a friend, and a daughter. we spoke our own language and have a bond that goes back many lifetimes. she is both my greatest teacher, and my life’s greatest loss. every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. the path i am on is one that has taken me on quite the journey. however, i am thankful to be where i am now : with new eyes, an open heart, and Ember helping to guide my way Home to Self in spirit form.
in the next phase of this journey i am being called to move deeper into the healing process by way of working with Chiron in my natal astrology chart. the course i am taking ‘Chiron – Your Deepest Wound, Your Greatest Gift’ has really showed up at the most perfect time. i will be exploring the three Chiron archetypes, how they relate to me, and how to use them to turn my wound into my greatest gift. i am planning to share with you my experience, maybe you will find within something that resonates with your own journey of self. as my wise Rose Alchemy teacher says, “we are all guiding each other home.”